Short version: It’s lonely.
I’ve seen the instagrams from strangers and heard the stories from coworkers who ventured out into the unknown solo. It sounded like the next level of travel. It sounded fun and romantic like making friends with strangers and appreciating simple beauty. It sounded great, so I stole the idea and put it on my buck list.
Yesterday, I crossed it off. I’m heading to Swaziland this week to lead a group of World Race Parents as they join their Racers on the field for a week. I booked my flights with a 13 hour layover in Germany, pumped for this new adventure. By the time I landed in Germany, I was already bored.
I imagined making friends with someone on my flight and we could explore together. But my flight was half full, and 90% of the passengers were businessmen. So that wasn’t happening. Oh well I thought. I guess God will be adventure buddy; it sounded like a consolation prize.
I stored my luggage, got a train ticket, and off I went. I was led to which train, which stop, and which side streets by a combination of God’s direction and Trip Advisor recommendations. I took some pictures. Talked to strangers. Went to a church, a coffee shop, a bridge, and another coffee shot. My feet were numb, I wasn’t dressed appropriately for the weather, and I was paranoid of missing my flight. I headed back to the airport with still plenty of time to kill.
I spent the rest of the time journaling, facetiming, and bouncing from coffee shop to bar to bakery. Killing time, not adventuring.
I texted my friend about it. I told her I was disappointed. It wasn’t an Eat, Pray, Love kind of day. I didn’t find myself. I just found my loneliness, and I still had two more flights ahead of me.
She’s wise and profound so when she said “I think it takes diving into that loneliness to get there. It’s just far messier and more painful than people make it out to be” I knew she was right, and my next lesson was around the corner.
Right now, I’m sitting at a coffee shop in South Africa. Three things you should know about this moment: this is my favorite coffee shop in the world, this is my favorite country in the world, and none of this was planned.
I missed my connecting flight to Swazi. The airline took pity on me and gave me a food voucher so I could spend the rest of my day relaxing while they hunted for a flight for me.
I prayed yesterday that God would give me rest. I thought that meant good sleep on the plane; he took it as extending my travel days by six hours. He knows me well. He knows my soul needed to be reminded that I’m not alone. That he is actually with me, and actually wants to spend time with me. He gives me the best gifts because he knows me the best. Turns out, I didn’t even know I wanted this gift.
I realized these past few days that I need people who know my heart close by. I realized I’m more competent than I give myself credit for. I was confronted with loneliness and feeling small. Turns out, that’s okay. My loneliness is there to remind me to go to the one who’s always here. My feeling small reminds me how much control I actually don’t have. So maybe I did actually find myself.
Travel days are tricky and God is funny. One moment Ime trying not to nod off on the man sitting next to me on the plane. The next, I’m spending time in a coffee shop on the other side of the world where I first encountered grace 5 years ago. This is what makes traveling exciting and adventurous. It what’s makes me keep seeking it out. Good thing I’ve got two more weeks of this trip.
